Survivors Guilt

When I really think what I have had the chance to experience in my life regarding Cancer. I am very happy that I have had great opportunities to learn and grow. On the other hand I have had to say goodbye to several great people along the way. I have a very close friend who I adore. She is not someone I am with a lot in fact not at all! we lost track of each other for years. Until one day she and her husband showed up in our last ward in Lehi. We were in that ward for only 6 short months before we moved to our current house. Once I saw her I didn't want to move. Even though I hadn't seen her in several years it was so natural to continue our friendship. We have something in common and that is Cancer I met her through the Hero program which was a support group that I co-founded years ago. Just after we moved she called me and told me that she was diagnosed with Cancer. The outcome was not good. She and her husband were very optimistic. Since she has been doing very well. She has had a hard go at it, but has been holding up. She is terminal and the Cancer will never go away. It can me maintained. She just told me the other day it has grown and she is not going to do anymore Chemo for now. She wants to live her life and not be so sick. I can't tell you how many times I have had this conversation with people who I love. This is where the guilt falls into place. So many great people have died and I was so blessed. I have had great opportunities for life. I know all I can do is endure and learn from each and everyone of these great people. I love them all. Each day I am grateful for my cancer. If I had to do it all over again I would.

Happy Birthday Jack!

I am a day late in wishing a Happy Birthday to my oldest son Jackson! Better late then never. I remember his birth just like it was yesterday. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant! He made me a mother which I am very grateful for. He has changed so much this last year. He is 7 going on 20. He can be sooo sweet and turn around and be sooooo angry! He is a great student and loves to learn. He is a great help to me. I appreciate who he is and who he will become. I love you Jack! Happy Birthday Big Guy!

New Way Of Life!!!

Most of you know Mike lost his job the beginning of February. This has been one of the most frustrating things I have ever had to endure. I felt very helpless and out of control. He has now found a job which is good. This job is something I have always wanted. A regular schedule a very stable company etc. I have to say it has turned my life upside down. Mike leaves for work at 7:30am does not return until 5:45pm. I like it and I don't. It keeps me very busy and motivated but I got very used to his very flexible schedule before. On the other hand I hated his last schedule. What I did like about it was he could help with the kids in the morning. Now I am flying solo. I no longer have the chance to help with the kids school which I hate. Next year I am going to try to start up a baby sitting co-op and see how that works so I can continue doing that. We are very blessed that he has found a job. Change is hard, the person I feel the most sorry for is our little baby Xander he got so much attention when Mike was home now not so much! All will be well and we look forward to the future.

My Little Baby

So I realize I have not said much about my sweet little baby Xander so now I will. We love having him with us he is a joy. I am having a very hard time realizing he is our last baby. I am trying to soak up all the baby time I have left with him! He has already changed so much. I can hardly believe it. He eats baby food now. He is not sleeping through the night. I wish he was, he gets up once or twice each night. He just eats then goes back to sleep. He loves all of his brothers they all take such good care of him. I already see a great bond between him and the boys. He started rolling over at 6 months. He has his two bottom teeth now. He is also sitting up. He has done this all in just a matter of a month. A lot has happened in his 6 month. He loves attention and acts nothing like what you would think a 5th child should. We love him and I don't know what I would do without him. We love you Xander!!

Playing Catch Up

So when I started this blog I was very excited. At first I was really good at keeping up with it. Now as you know not so much. We have had a baby since which has taken up a lot of my time. Xander is a good baby but is a lot like Jackson was as a baby. He likes to be held and does not like to sleep. So with that being said and considering that I have 4 other young boys life keeps me very busy.

So lets play catch up. We have been doing a lot with the recent holidays and school activities. Conner had his 100th day of kindergarten and we made a shirt with 100 items on it that was very fun for him. We had valentines day the kids had fun with that. We had a all red day and ended the day with delivering heart sugar cookies to some friends in the neighborhood. We also had a good st. Patty's day everything we ate that day was green we enjoyed that. Mikes parents came in February the kids really enjoyed spending time with them. We went to jumping jacks and the children's musem with them thanks grandma and grandpa. There grandpa also brought Jackson and Conner some coins that they put together with him they thought that was really cool.

We also had Easter and that was a lot of fun. We went to aunt Terry's house where aunt Dana and Terry made a great hunt for the kids they have enough candy to last the rest of the year. They really love that!!! Sorry I realize this is boring so I will stop now and just share some pics. I will try to keep up with the blog. If I do I won't have so much to catch up on and it won't be so boring.

Missing Who I Love

I really feel it is important to share just how I feel and not hold anything back. I am not sharing to get people to feel sorry for me I just really want to let it out.

Some days happen and life comes at you and you are fine. Other days come and all I do is miss my Mom. No real reason I just do. My heart aches and all I want to do is talk to her. It hits me like a ton of bricks, as if it is knocking the wind right out of me. Today has been one of those days. My poor boys who never had the chance to really meet her. What a great Grandma she would have been to them. How much they are missing out on how much she is missing out on. I have so many questions for her that I will never have answered. I miss her when I go out and see mother and daughters out shopping or eating out. I miss her when my friends talk about there moms. It is very hard and after almost 6 years it hasn't gotten any easier. I very seldom if ever share how I feel about loosing my mom the way I did or how early we did. I love her and miss her and always will. She wasn't perfect who is? She was my mom and my boy's grandma and I would do anything just to have one more conversation with her.

Miss Spelling

It has been brought to my attention that I miss spelled FAUX in my last post. I do know that it was misspelled but could could not for the life of me remember how to spell it. Of course spell check did not help because it is a french word so now it is fixed.

Random Thoughts

So I have been a big slacker in the blogging world. I apologize for that, I have had major blogger's block no ideas! I will write and have pic's very soon. I will go ahead and share a few things that my great boys have been saying lately. The other day I did Jack's hair in a faux hawk it looked really cute I thought. When he came home from school I asked him how did you like your dew and he said " it is really not my style I just don't think I can pull it off" Where does he get this stuff! I have to apologize for this next part but, I have 5 boys and there dad has taught them to be really proud of there poop. Grayson went to the bathroom and when he was done he gets all excited and shows me. "look mom a candy cane I pooped out a candy cane!". He went on to saying it usually looks like a snake but, today it is a candy cane! Max's new game is we ask him where each of our family member's are and he points and says there. For a long time we would say where is momma and he would point to daddy and say there. This made me very upset. All I wanted him to do is point to me but no such luck. Then he changed it and when we would ask where is mama he would point to the door and say bye-bye. Now finally he will point to me. He is starting to talk a lot more and we are really enjoying that! Now if we could just get him to sleep through the night. Conner has started to bring books home from school. I am very proud to say he is doing really well at that. He is such a great helper and has done so well at listening and doing his chores around the house. He is still the winner when it comes to his buck stash. He gets up every morning and gets dressed and makes his bed on his own each day! Xander well he is growing like a weed! He started eating mush a couple of weeks ago and sometimes enjoys that. I will have another post very soon with pictures of him and a lot of updates. He has changed soooo much. Until then goodbye.

The Winner Is...

Conner's Bed

Jack's bed








Buck Who gets it?

























CONNER







We have started a new reward in our house. It is not easy for the kids to redeem one of these bucks. It is all about behavior attitude and things they do around the house without being asked. One of the things that is just expected is making your bed each morning and getting ready for school. As you can see Conner has been doing very well at this. Each morning he gets ready on his own. He gets dressed and makes his bed and has enough time to eat and get out the door for school. Jackson not so much, so Conner got a Buck. Thanks to my brother Brandon we have these great bucks. Each child has there own color and you can get them taken away just as fast as you get them. They have worked great for getting them motivated to be better at everyday things. Conner is just a little bit more motivated. Conner has 5, Jack has 2.

Motherhood

Some days are so hard that I almost feel I should leave and never come back! I love my children very much. When the bad days come that is what I could do without. Max has been sick and all he wants is me to hold him and if I leave his site for a second he sobs. Of course as you know I have a 4 month old and all he wants is my attention. So what do I do because I also have a 3 year old that wants to do everything and none of that means by himself he wants me to be with him. Don't forget My 5 and 6 year old Jackson wants to talk about school and how much he loves it now. He has been talking about how much he doesn't can't wait for a break! Now he doesn't want a break I can't keep up. Then Conner tells me tonight "the kids in class no more then I do I can't do the things they do". Wow that was hard as you may or may not know Conner struggles a bit he is a lot like I was at his age he is a very smart boy but he holds back. Because of his speech delay he has also had a hard time picking some stuff up. He just got his report card and he has improved a lot since October. I am just really sad he all ready feels the pressure of other students at the age of 5. That broke my heart I love Conner and he is one of the sweetest little boys you will ever meet. As all Mothers I only want the best for my kids I am learning each day how to be a better Mother. I love the fact that I have 5 children. Days like these is when it is hard to have so many children. I am pulled in so many directions and I want to give them all the attention they deserve. Whether it is cuddling with a sick 18month old, playing with a 3 year old, just holding a brand new 4month old. Or helping encourage a 5 year old who is struggling. Also being there for a 6 year old who is so proud of himself for skipping 2 levels in reading and has all of a sudden decided he loves school again and wants to talk about for hours. Some how we manage as Mothers to be pushed in all of these directions. I just hope all of my children know the love I have for them. All of my time and energy is spent on them. I wouldn't have it any other way even when I have bad days like today.